well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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