I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
