i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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