The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
