Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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