I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
