My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize