You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
