I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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