I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
