come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
