is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
