Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
