Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
