I smell stomach acid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
