Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
