I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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