i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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