You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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