my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it glows. i had to have it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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