yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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