my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
