he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
