you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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