Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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