a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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