Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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