I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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