it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
