Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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