She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
