checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Is it penis luge time yet?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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