so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
