he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
