ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How's work?
Spinning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
