considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
