I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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