He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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