I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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