Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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