my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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