She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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