I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
