why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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