my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
