Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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