im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
