based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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