he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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