Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
