I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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