So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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