"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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