I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
