yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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