my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
