I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
