My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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