I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
