When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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